It’s something I hear all the time from my clients: “My spouse is having (or had) an affair. Should I contact the Other Man / Other Woman?”
My short answer is this: Nooooo!!!! Don’t do it! Easier said than done, right?
If you don’t know who the other woman or man is, you may be painfully curious –Is the other person more attractive than me? What did my partner see in him or her?
You may think that confronting them will make them back off or that they might tell you certain details of the affair that your spouse will not reveal.
If you know the other person, you may feel compelled to tell them that you know about the relationship and that their dirty little secret is out. You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are. You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair.
Some betrayed partners – I’ll chalk this one up to shock and not thinking clearly – may even believe that they can appeal to the other person’s morality or conscience. We have a family! Please, let us work through our problems! Please, stop calling my spouse!
Know this: the other woman or man cannot be trusted or appealed to.
They have their own agenda and, whatever that agenda may be, only one thing is for certain: it is not to your benefit. The other woman or man is not a reliable source of information. In the vast majority of cases, nothing this person tells you about the affair can be relied upon as truth.
Getting involved in that person’s life by contacting his or her spouse only complicates your situation. You have no idea what is going on in that person’s life. His or her spouse may be fully aware of the affair, and may in fact be having his or her own affair. The last thing you need is more drama. You have enough to deal with.
What you really need are usable insights into your spouse’s relationship with this other person and practical strategies to deal with the entire situation. Those are things my instant-access program, Overcoming Infidelity // For Betrayed Spouses, can give you.
Listen to the audio below while you read.
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Yet it isn’t just an affair partner that can become the unwanted third wheel in a marriage. Many spouses feel very threatened by a partner’s overly intimate opposite-sex “friend.” Maybe it’s their partner’s new co-worker or personal trainer. Maybe it’s an old flame.
Regardless, if their partner refuses to end the friendship, a worried or upset spouse may be tempted to reach out to the other person and tell them how inappropriate their behavior is.
Contacting your partner’s close “friend” is also likely to backfire.
Again, what you really need are insights and strategies that can help you regain control of your life, not look as though you’re out of control! If this resonates with you, listen to the audio intro for Prevent Infidelity // End Their Inappropriate Friendship. Always think before you act!
PLAY AUDIO INTRO:
Yet whether it’s an affair partner or an inappropriately close opposite-sex friend, always remember that when you contact the other woman or man in your spouse’s life, you send that person a message: You’re important. You have a say in all of this. You have some measure of control in my marriage and life.
Ask yourself: Is that the message you want to send the person who has been sexually or emotionally involved with your spouse? Is that the message you want to send your own spouse?
The fact is, there’s been “three” in your marriage long enough. It’s time to lose that third wheel, once and for all, and make the journey about you and your spouse again.