You’ve been looking forward to it all week – crashing on the couch with your husband and binge-watching the new show on Netflix. You set out a big bowl of popcorn, snuggle up next to him and then – bing! – his phone goes off. He grabs it quickly (it’s never more than an arm’s length away), faces the screen away from you and texts “her” back.
How do you know it’s her? Because it’s always her.
“You just saw her at the office,” you complain. “Why does she need to be texting you right now?”
“It’s just a work thing,” he says, although the smile on his face isn’t very reassuring.
As the show’s opening credits come and go, you and your husband don’t notice. You’re too busy having the same argument you’ve had every night this week.
Why do you have to text her so much? I’m not comfortable with it.
We have to text for work. Stop over-reacting. We’re just friends.
…or something along those lines.
From bad to worse
Recently, I had a client who consulted me after marriage counseling hadn’t managed to improve a situation like this. Despite her hope that the counselor would help her husband understand how his behavior was hurting his marriage, she was nonetheless frustrated at how her husband “spun” the situation to the counselor.
He downplayed the relationship and frequency of texts, and instead said that his wife was “bored” at home with the kids and was letting her insecurities get the better of her. He also said that she “didn’t understand” the relationship he had with his co-worker and that they were “just friends.” By the end of the counseling session, this wife felt that her behavior – not her husband’s – was being challenged.
Of course, both people in a marriage need to honestly reflect on and challenge their own behavior; however, that doesn’t mean that one spouse’s behavior can’t be more problematic at times, and in this case, it was the husband’s – especially since he was now in the habit of locking his phone, deleting text-messages from the co-worker and lying about meeting her after-hours on several occasions.
From “texting” to “affair”
And that’s how it often escalates – from texting to an affair in record time. That’s because texting creates an artificial sense of intimacy between people. They can say things to each other, flirtatious things, that they’d never say in person. On top of that, co-workers already have a sort of shared life that is separate from the one they have with their spouses.
Not that long ago, I was interviewed by a major media outlet to discuss the findings of a survey I took in my practice. I recorded where 300 clients said their spouse had met their affair partner, and then I listed the top six places.
Most affairs start in the workplace
The workplace was number one. (In case you’re wondering, that was followed by the gym, social media, a social circle, a volunteering gig and church.)
It’s not rocket science to understand this: after all, we spend most of our time at work. We spend most of our best waking moments there, in fact. We tend to look the best, act the best and be the most engaging when we’re at work. We have the most energy to be witty and flirtatious. So that’s the “picture perfect” image co-workers have of each other, and it’s the one they have in mind when they text each other after hours.
And for the record, this holds true for men and women. I hear from many husbands who are worried about the increasing frequency and intimacy of texts between their wife and a male co-worker.
So if your spouse seems to be excessively texting a co-worker and you’re worried that it’s hurting your marriage, what should you do about it?
People can be protective of and even prioritize these “friendships”
Well, you can do what most spouses do: complain, threaten, cry, explain… repeat. But as you’ve probably already discovered, it won’t get you anywhere. Men and women who have these friendships are often very protective of them and resistant to end them. They may say and do just about anything to continue with them, sometimes even prioritizing them over the marriage. If it comes to that point, I highly suggest that you reach out for help.
Don’t give up! It can get better
You can delete this friendship from your marriage and come out more committed to each other than ever. You may just need to tackle things from a different angle.
If you need help doing that, consider my Marriage SOS™ series of online crash courses, including the ones for betrayed spouses and spouses who are struggling with their partner’s overly close intimate friendship. With their high success rate and practical application, they may be precisely what you need to delete that friendship and restore your marriage, starting today.
About Debra
Debra Macleod, BA, JD, is the founder of MARRIAGE SOS™, a proven and no-nonsense way to save a sinking marriage. She has served as an expert resource for major media around the world, from The New York Times and Entrepreneur to ELLE and Men’s Health.
Visit her homepage to see all Marriage SOS™ Online Crash Courses or book a phone consult.